So here's the scenario. I decide after 22 years of convenient isolation that I must go visit my paternal grandfather. Call it love, maturity (umm..no), sheer boredom or just a dirty room I wanted to leave for a few days, I ended up packing my backpack and booking my train tickets. Big mistake. Should have gone by bus or car or plane or anything else but not that godforsaken train. Anyway, so I left home and reached the station only to find myself shoved and pushed for an hour. The train was, as expected, late.
Finally it came, I got in and almost fell out. My darned bag did not wish to go in with me so I had to coax it into submission by holding it at varying angles and so eventually it got stuck between my legs and I got stuck between two rather large specimen of the fairer sex. As if that was not enough when I reached my compartment it was already overflowing with activity and obviously all the space at the bottom was gone so I had to accommodate my bag on the seat itself. Now, lower berths are not the worst seats in a train and I was just settling in when the ANNOYING AUNTIE BRIGADE struck.
Annoying auntie 1: Excuse me? Would you please shift to the middle berth in the next compartment?
Rishabh: No. (thinks that would sound a bit too rude) Actually auntie my bag is too big so I can't shift. (back to playing with phone pretending to be very engrossed in it)
Annoying auntie 2: (hisses) Ladies are sitting here and he is alone. Today's generation...
Rishabh: (Amitabh Bachchan glare...)
And that's when I saw them. Five middle aged women with 20 bags poured in. An aged gentleman was sitting across from me. We exchanged glances. We knew it was going to be one long ride. Within five minutes the compartment looked like a cage full of monkeys just that this time the monkeys were kitty party aunties falling over, screaming, applying makeup(?!!??), and of course, continuously talking. At 11:30 in the night. Thankfully the journey was overnight so there was some semblance of sanity to follow.
At 7 in the morning I literally jump out of my berth, banging my head on to the one above me. Why? Annoying auntie no.4 has dropped her blanket on my face from above! I throw it back at her and she doesn't budge. So my morning starts on an ominous note and I'm more or less up by that time, taking in all the different pitches of snores I've heard in my life. Then the conversations start.
Annoying auntie 1: Arre GOLU isko to dekh! She doesn't know how to get off the top berth! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Rishabh: (increases volume of his i river)
Annoying auntie 4: Arre main to phas gai! Why am I so fat! How will I get off?
Rishabh: (ducks as everything on her berth but her falls to the ground)
Annoying auntie 3: (starts explaining the process of getting off as if its rocket science) First you move backwards. Hogaya? Ok now very carefully, swing your legs to the other side. And then you place your legs on the handles and you're off!
Annoying auntie 5: Ohno! She's trying to come down head first!
Annoying aunties in unison: AISE NAHIEE! GIR JAEGI MOTI! HAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Rishabh: (disgusted because the volume refuses to go over maximum)
Finally some uncle in the other compartment decides to join in the fun, probably trying to impress the hottest auntie in the lot (auntie no. 2) and manages to get Annoying auntie 4 to the ground. All is well that ends well. Or so I thought. Conversation continues.
Annoying auntie 3: Where is my serum! I can't find it. How will my hair look when I get off!
Utter chaos. All aunties are diving here and there to look for a bottle of hair serum. Finally its found, applied and we are back on track.
Annoying auntie 2: (she's the alpha female, if that's a term :s, in the group, so she takes over) You know I never wash my face. EVER. I only use this cream. Its SOOOOOOO NICEEE.....
Rishabh: (trying to read the name of the cream in as subtle a manner possible)
Annoying auntie 5: Mujhe bhi de..main bhi to dekhun kya cheez hai yeh!
It turns out the aunties are beauticians! For the next 2 hours before I finally got out of the train I sat through the most comprehensive discourse on beauty products. I even tried remembering some names and all. Perhaps I will go looking for them when I get back to Delhi, I thought. Perhaps. As for now, I am glad my journey is over. The elderly gentleman sitting across from me gave me the most painful look of defeat as I left him to his fate while getting off the train. Goodbye uncle. Have fun. I still feel bad for him.
